Frank G Yak

Final Days at The Kennel

2006-04-28T15:59:00.000-04:00

It is with great pleasure and only a very, very tiny hint of sadness that I depart the Kennel. To quote a hero of mine ...

"Free at last, free at last, thank god allmighty, I'm free at last."

Today is my last day. I am thrilled. I am going to take a handful of glue sticks and chuck them out the window.

I will let the door hit me in the ass on the way out ---

Frank

Taking a Break

2006-01-08T22:40:00.000-05:00

I will be suspending the blog. It may be continued, it may not. Much love. Frank

Gertrude's Departure

2005-12-21T12:27:00.000-05:00

The Kennel has gone into disaster mode. Coupled with a pending move and the New York City Transit strike things are in complete disarray.

Gertrude is gone; she's no longer in the office. She announced that she will not come to work during the strike and has left. She is off on an Amtrak to the south and I highly doubt I'll see her again. Yes, she was my boss -- but to be honest she has done so little the last two months that very little will change. She did leave a scorning departure memo -- I have included parts of it below.

You will never have staff that will be able to comprehend the ins and outs of organizing women in protest to the misogynistic community that is Manhattan. Please do not even attempt to advance the causes of these women ever again.

and --

I believe in America, this is a remarkable country. There are few people that have made this place better -- hopefully we will be judged kindly.

Her final statement was:

I have provided remarkable leadership for you amongst seniors -- godspeed.

However, her departure does not mean that we don't have things to blog about. The Rocket brought her dog to work the other day. It's a tiny dog that is much better behaved then the Bossman's dogs. Her dog hasn't taken a shit in the middle of the Kennel. Well Rocket commented about how her dog doesn't really get along with men that well. Gertrude declared "With Good Reason!"

The Collar is incredibly happy that Gertrude is no longer in the office. The two of them get along about as well as Hugo Chavez and George Bush. They hadn't said a word to each other in the 7 months they overlapped at the Kennel. He arrived at work today around 12:45 (he took yesterday off) and stood in front of her office bowed his head and said "I was hoping beyond hope that my princess would be here this morning." He then proceeded to salute her empty office.
He also predicted that she will last a maximum of 8 months at her new job.

We did go out to some awful restaurant for our office "holiday" outing. The collar didn't come with us. Gertrude was painful to be with -- I'd rather sit through an endless loop of Brokeback Mountain. You know those people who just suck life out every little thing -- she took on one of those personalities, chemically unable to enjoy herself. She also got very upset at me when I asked not to have anchovies in my Caesar Salad, "It's not a Caesar salad with out anchovies."

We did out "secret santa" giveaways (I got two books, and gave Rocket a blender) and somebody gave Gertrude a nice little book about Women Travel. You'd think it would be something she would have liked. Her response to the present was "oh, at least it's something I haven't read yet." Arguably, these were very kind words. When we were leaving, she abruptly stood up and left, a couple of people were in the bathroom, somebody else was on their cell phone and she, without saying goodbye, just strolled out of the restaurant.

***********
One quick note -- one of our high school interns is named Winston. Voodoo refuses to call him Winston and will only call him David. She said she had an old boyfriend named Winston and can't bring herself ever to say that name again.

Welcome Home

2005-12-15T17:33:00.000-05:00

I haven’t had a chance to blog in a while. Not for a lack of wanting to – even though I must admit blogging is much more challenging than I ever could have imagined. I have just ended my stint on a Jury. Perhaps I will share some of those anecdotes one of these days, as it was quite an experience, for all the wrong reasons.

Thought I would give you an update on some of the stuff that has been percolating around the office/district the last couple of weeks.

***********************************************************************
The library is kicking ass and taking names. There was another “town hall meeting” to discuss the fate of the library.

The options are:

1. Construction should take place on the exterior of the building. (Wacky Community Members Favor)

B. Construction should take place on the interior of the building. (Wacky Library Staff Favors)

3. Nothing should be done at all. (Some Really Wacky Community Members Favor)

So the highlights of the meeting in terms of quotes and other anecdotes are as follows.

*** One woman suggested that the library “take the chairs out, so we can sit on the floor … all we need are books and computers”

*** In response to option B (which would involve an enhanced teen area) One elderly woman screamed out … and I do mean screamed out. “Teens should be reading Adult Classics, like me did”

*** A middle aged man demanded to know where the head of the library was, he was emphatic about it. It turned out the head of the library was sitting at the same table he was.

*** Some woman expressed concern about the pace of the library’s construction by saying that the library is “following the pattern we’ve seen in New Orleans”. I can only assume that she was making a Hurricane Katrina reference, not making reference to having women flash boobs in the library. (if so … I’m down for extra reading)

*** Another woman linked the possible closing of the country to the war in Iraq, making some statement that culminated with the exact phrase “damaging to the country”

************************************************************************

I had another meeting the other night regarding some endless construction on a street in the area. I sympathize because the construction is quite a nuisance, however one man linked the construction to the “german assault on britian during the second world war”.

************************************************************************

More to follow shortly. Holiday dinner is tonight and perhaps some future blogs about the collar.

Finally, bossman went on a very popular, national (right leaning) TV show the other day protesting the Bush Administration and the War in Iraq. The following is a few of the emails we received. (note, I have not made this up at all – these are actual emails) There are hundreds of them. I cringe for America.

I can't believe you aligned yourself with those who praise Hitler. You are a disgrace to the USA !

***

Hey "NUMBNUTS", keep your God-damned mouth shut regarding anything
about Iraq!!!!!
We "DO NOT NEED" any "ASS" as you, are speaking of anything!!!
SHUT UP NUMBNUTS!!!!!
(insert name)
New Milford, PA 18834

***

From a middleaged married couple - after watching your appearance on O'Reilly Factor...consider yourself flipped off. Fascist? Illegal war? You know what...you're just another talking points, truth-be-damned, let's get the power back leftist. You care not for this country, or that we are under attack. That there are those who want to harm us simply because we're Americans. You, sir, with all due respect (and that's very very little) are a pathetic, vile, bottom dweller. Lose anyone on 9/11? Well, those of us who did despise those of you who are more interested in regaining power than protecting this country from terrorism.

***

Over the past 2 years 59 members of my VFW Post have been voting to elect idiots for our award each month. Each month veteran members ranging in age from 35 to 87 pay attention to the news and pick out one person seen or heard on the media spouting idiotic statements. You have met our award standards and have been nominated by one of our members.We have a member that manufactures milking machines and has the process to emboss on a small plastic strainer pad the photo obtained from the internet or media of the idiot. If a photo is not available then we have an image of a jackass rear quarter we use with the persons name below it. When this is done the strainer pad is added to a urinal in our Post restroom. That way when we get the urge we can enter the restroom and take a look at the current elected idiot. You have been nominated and will be voted on 15 December, 2005.If you are elected then in the following week your photo will be added to one of our urinals. This group of veterans have fought in wars starting back in 1941. We all fought to protect your freedom and now we wonder if in your case it may have been a mistake. You are an idiot. Semper Fi!! GySgt. USMC (Ret.)We do not expect a reply........we know that would take testicles and you most likely do not have any!

***

It will be so nice, when you leave MY country, and go live with our enemies in the Middle East.

You are a piece of dog crap, and are unworthy to call yourself an American.

Fornicate you, and the camel you rode in on. Please take "Thunder Thighs Hillary with you.

(Insert Name) Lancaster, CA

***

YOU ARE DANGEROUS . YOU MUST BE VOTED OUT OF OFFICE. You are a sick politician.

You also have a noticeable Girly-Man voice and body language. So leftist Moron Senator, Swim To Cuba . History will prove George W Bush was one of our best war time presidents.

***
Why don't you anti-American scumbags just head out to Russia or some other commie country and screw things up over there instead of here-but be careful, don't let Kennedy drive. But it would be nice if he did. I even have a bridge in mind to have him cross with all you guys in the car.

"Excuse my Absence"

2005-12-09T13:30:00.000-05:00

Frank is out on Jury Duty! Please excuse the lack of Posts!

Juror # 7

Notes From The Kennel

2005-11-28T23:16:00.000-05:00

I do appreciate the comments on the blog of late. I'd like to welcome the Dysfunctional Diabetic and Pacifica Rim to the World Wide Web, thanks for your contributions, please keep them coming.

***********************************************************************************
We have another library meeting tomorrow night. Promises to be a good one. I'll be sure to keep you posted on any insane comments or potential "hearing problems" that may or may not come to be. It looks as if none of the interior work will take place -- instead the renovations will be focused on refurbishing the exterior of the building. I'll be sure to keep you posted, but if this goes through, I guess the teens in the Village will have to find other places to have sex.

***********************************************************************************

Haven't seen the Alpha Dog in going on more than 2+ weeks now. No joke! Saw Gertrude today for the first time in over a week. Voodoo's been running the ship -- which is always scary. There is some talk in the Kennel about her potentially running for office. The funny thing is nobody can really tell if this a realistic possibilty. Currently it stands as a sort of joke ... nobody, including her, knows if she is really going to run, so it's one of these ongoing things that people are uncomfortable about talking about because they don't want to say some offensive, but they can't imagine it's really going to happen. Imagine if I told you I was going to join the Marines. (Okay, maybe that's a bad example!)

Well, I've been really enjoying this potential campaing. I can't wait. I'm drooling over the press releases and community newsletters that I would be able to write. Currently, Voodoo has already promised me the opportunity to be her Chief of Staff. Which would be a great career move for me ... I think ... at least the blog wouldn't suffer.

Gertrude

2005-11-22T12:56:00.000-05:00

One of the things that I've neglected, (besides my office responsibilities) while writing this blog, is a better description of my colleagues. Most of you may have a sense of the Igloo and Bossman/Alpha Dog, perhaps Rocket -- but the rest of the Kennel is probably just a scattered bunch of pseudonyms and anecdotes. My bad -- I hope to correct that.

Let's start with Gertrude: (names have been changed to protect my ass)

Gertrude has been at the Kennel almost as long as I have. She's my direct boss and the person that I'm supposed to go to when I have an issue, need a day off, can't figure out something etc...

Well she doesn't really do much of that anymore. She usually arrives about two hours late and takes a long lunch break. The woman is remarkably deflated, she spends most of her day in her little cubby of an office and reads. Honestly, I'm shocked when I see her in the office before noon -- it happens around once a week. She lives alone in one of the outer boroughs and has seen her glory days pass her by, I wouldn't be surprised if she was clinically depressed -- there is no doubt in my mind that she is remarkably lonely. Her two closest friends are the Elizabeth Cady Stanton biography and the Oxygen network. She complains constantly about the bossman (which is an easy thing to do) and says -- I just don't care anymore.

She's a southern, middle aged, single lesbian. Let's pause. She's one of these spectacular feminists (and I mean spectacular in both a good and bad way) who really has devoted her life to the advancement of woman's rights. She's been arrested, organized demonstrations, sponsored conferences, filed lawsuits, on behalf of advancing woman's rights. All of which is very noble, the problem is, she can be very standoffish and is impossible to work with.

Gertrude gets something stuck in her head and nothing else matters. If she was working on a tiny little issue, let's say getting the entire office to sign a greeting card, and I approached her saying I had figured out who assassinated Kennedy, she'd yell at me for not focusing on the greeting card.

Gertrude and the Collar hate each other. The animosity between the two of them is sharper than the knife a butcher uses to slice pastrami. (Where did that come from). In the six months they have both been at the Kennel they have said not a word to one another. They will not attend a meeting the other is at, they compete for the support/approval of other office members and they make everybody remarkably uncomfortable. Two aging gays -- destined to be lonely. It is very sad.

I once told Voodoo that they needed to hate fuck each other, she laughed for an hour.

I do like Gertrude, I think she'll be leaving the Kennel in January. Less fodder for the blogger.

Vaccines

2005-11-17T15:38:00.000-05:00

In the past, I’ve discussed the numerous crazies that I deal with in the office on a daily basis. Many of them have legitimate concerns – but every once in a while they reach an extreme. For instance: I received a letter today that read exactly this:

Dear Mr. Yak:

Attached is the information I talked to you about yesterday reference (sic) a new, antimicrobial material and bandage design that may help the lateral trransmission (sic) of the vaccinia (sic) virus so that smallpox inoculation may be safely administered.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Saul Greenbaum (name fabricated, but you get the idea)

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m sure this is worthy. But, …… WHAT??? Am I really the person to talk to? How am I supposed to help this guy out? He included letters he had written (and in some cases other communication) to a United States Senator from Florida, The Mayor of New York, Senator Hillary Clinton, the CDC in Atlanta and other stuff.

Evidently Saul thinks that I can snap my fingers and give him the go ahead to stop the the lateral trransmission of the vaccinia. Trust me Saul, I’m really not very important.

So if anyone out there knows of a good way to help Saul (maybe you work for the Health Department) let me know and I’ll get back to him, as soon as possible.

*********************************************************************************

Gertrude has gone off the deep end. I’m no doctor (see above) but this woman is truly crazy. She sits in her office most of the day and reads a book. Every once in a while she’ll scream something at the people working in the office.

Today she screamed:

“Let’s not guess at our answers.”

She also has developed a penchant for blatantly disagreeing with the Bossman – so she’ll change things for the sake of changing things. It’s very hard because you have to balance your work but you are consistently getting conflicting messages. I usually ignore both of them

Working in this office can be very tricky.

*********************************************************************************

Good news, supplies came in today. I’m ready to hit the subway with Glue Sticks. Sure, I can’t get a fucking tape dispenser, but if you need a glue stick – you know who to talk to.

Oops

2005-11-15T12:02:00.000-05:00

Apologies for my lack of posting in recent time. I wish I could tell you I was off fighting barbarians in a remote desert or that I had discovered the cure to hiccups, but I cannot – I chalk up my lack of posting to low energy and computer problems. Believe me there hasn’t been any dearth of items to blog about.

I want to discuss the fate of Rocket in my office – she’s probably my closest friend in the Kennel and one that I have, on occasion, spent some time with “not on the clock.” (What the fuck does “on the clock” mean anyhow. I haven’t seen the bossman in over a week – but you can bet your ass he’s still getting paid) Well Rocket is fed up with life at the Kennel, and let’s be honest, so would you. Yesterday, she sent the following email to her friends with the subject line NEED OUT BAD:

I am too young for my soul to die!!!!
If anyone knows of jobs available in your
wonderful, joyous workplaces, please let me
know. I would prefer a job where I can implement
my writing and editing skills and not in the
neofacist way that I'm doing now (I work for a
politician). Help is appreciated!

I think the straw the broke the camel’s back (lot of clichés today) was when she was trying to get the bossman’s attention about some letter or testimony a few weeks ago and said something to the extent of “Rocket needs you to look at this” and he replied “You tell that bitch to wait!” Sure he was joking and it was kind of lighthearted – but hardly a professional way to treat your underpaid employees.

Will try and post for often in the near future – nice that you missed me.

Frank

Hearing Problem

2005-11-01T10:49:00.000-05:00

I've been meaning to tell my favorite story of the past couple of weeks and for some reason when I sit down to blog, I forget.

As I reported not too long ago, we are working with a library in Greenwich Village that is trying to upgrade (add a teen area, improve wheelchair access, etc...). However, in Greenwich Village nothing is easy and there is a sect of radical senior citizens that is violently opposed to any changes in their library. (In fairness, they are worried about it being closed for a while during construction, but these people would be opposed to replacing one of those library "learn to read posters" with a Rembrandt.)

So, I headed down to this community meetings filled with septuagenarians acting like coyotes. The minute the library staff introduced the plan the seniors pounced. Screaming, swearing, interrupting -- it felt like one of those scenes from Asian parliament that eventually break down into an all out brawl. Check your civility and your walker at the door.

The library staff and the others that were leading the meeting didn't have a chance. Unfortunately they engaged the seniors in screaming back and threatened to cancel the meeting all together. Perhaps I'm a bad person, but I was loving every minute of this -- if I only had a bowl of popcorn.

There were a couple of quotes from the night that I really loved.

After the library announced that they would have to close the library in phases for the construction an old woman stood up and screamed out:
"There goes the Village"

In response to the potential teen area, one woman proclaimed:
"Teens are going to be having sex in the library"

and my favorite ---

There was a person who is deaf sitting in the front of the room and lip reading, the library staff announced that they were going to repeat an announcement
"Because a person with a hearing problem didn't catch it the first time around" after that, an old man screamed out, and I do mean screamed.
"He deaf, he doesn't have a hearing problem, he's deaf"

I don't know about you, but to me that seems like quite a hearing problem.

Lunch time at the Kennel

2005-10-27T13:51:00.000-04:00

The office went out to lunch yesterday. One of the lesbians in the office -- the one whom I had a public (assuming you read it) tiff with on the blog -- was leaving, so we all went out to lunch for her last day. Let me say, she was always one of my closer friends in the office, so I am sad to see her go. The Collar and Voodoo stayed behind, most likely because the tension between them and other members of the office is through the roof and a sit down meal just would have been too much.

The meal had it's standard small talk, similar to that of most offices. Who's gay? Who's a lesbian? Who's bisexual? A couple of the selected answers -- from the experts in the office.

Kevin Spacey -- Yes, Russel Crowe -- No, Harriet Miers -- No, Sheryl Swoops -- Yes, easy one!
Fernando Ferrer -- Bi, Mike Piazza -- Yes, Our Waiter -- Yes, Condolleza Rice -- Yes.

The meal was just a mess from start to end. First off, I'm not a huge fan of Italian food. I feel like Italian food is something you should make at home, not go out for. It is too heavy and too cheese based. There are much better options. (Just call me Frank G. Zagat)

Some highlights ---

The Alpha Dog told us about his playwriting class. We were prying for some of the subject matter, but then realized that it probably wasn't appropriate for meal time conversation. I have disturbing confirmation that the words "stimulated" and "erect" are both in the play. (not making that up)

The most ardent femisinst in the office, an older lesbian who is really starting to drive me up a wall said -- when the side order of Italian meatballs arrived at the table "Make sure you grab the meat, before all the men do!"

New guy in the office, yet to find a nickname for him, got to experience the dynamics of the Kennel in full force. It will be interesting to see how he fares in the dynamic in the office -- it is not an easy place to work. However, he did show up late with a swollen lip, so you got to question that a little bit.

We tried to order Vegetarian Lasagna, the Italian restaurant didn't have any. I found this strange.

At one point the woman (the same one with the quote above) grabbed our waiter and said "We haven't got our food yet" we ordered 5 minutes earlier.

The Igloo came back for lunch -- haven't seen him since, he left. And other than losing fodder for this blog, haven't missed him.

Not a great post -- I'll try better next time.

Frank

More Notes from the Kennel

2005-10-25T10:20:00.000-04:00

As previously hinted at on this page, the Alpha Dog takes a playwriting course. The course is basically Playwriting 101 for older adults. He has class every Tuesday night and of course, like every other good course, has assignments. Well his assignments have infiltrated the office. First off, I learned that the The Alpha Dog is writing a play about therapy. Bravo, Encore -- just what I've always wanted to see a play written by a politician about his experiences in therapy.

Well, the Alpha Dog's playwriting course has limited the amount of work he does even more than usual. For example, yesterday he did not come into the Kennel at all and spent the entire day writing his play from home. During the middle of the day the Alpha Dog was having problems with his Word Perfect (fucking word perfect) program and got Rocket on the phone to discuss adjusting the margins of his play with her. So Rocket is on the phone for, I kid you not, 45 minutes trying to adjust the margins of a computer program she doesn't know how to use. At one point she put the conversation on speaker phone so everybody in the Kennel could here the whining about tabs and margins. Meanwhile, the elderly woman that was in to discuss her Social Security problems sat in the office and read the New York Post.

All was not done, about an hour later the Alpha Dog called back the office. I had the pleasure of talking to him and lo and behold, he needed more computer help. He couldn't figure out how to get to the top of the next page on his computer - I told him to click enter a few times.

Anyhow - I found a section of the play.

Ralph sits alone on the couch, a tear rolls down his eye. The office is sparse, there are copies of old magazines in one corner, a desk, two chairs and a couch -- blue leather. The office has wall to wall carpeting, yet there is a off color rug, possibly Turkish between the chairs and the couch.

Therapist enters stage left and sits down in one of the chairs, he crosses his legs:

Ralph: He never loved me, all his love was directed towards that fucking slut -- the tool, the bimbo. That no good bitch. He left me for her -- I gave him my best years and now, he left me -- he left me for a woman. That rat bastard, if I could only get my hands on him.

Therapist: It's okay, to be mad Ralph. It's part of the healing process. Soothingly You're in a safe spot now -- you are okay.

Ralph: Safe spot, I thought I was in a safe spot during our holiday in Ipanema. That was safe! Our weekends in the Catskills were safe. You know what isn't fucking safe? -- His skull!!!

Yup welcome to the kennel!!!

************************************************************************************
In other news -- I'm concerned about my health.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20051024/hl_nm/unfair_boss_dc;_ylt=AtVVYZ8ncf2i4GBT3vLBQaQDW7oF;_ylu=X3oDMTBiMW04NW9mBHNlYwMlJVRPUCUl

Riding the Elevator

2005-10-21T16:40:00.000-04:00

Somehow in this abyss that is blogging, I lost a post. Needless to say it was by far and away the greatest post ever composed, by anyone that ever dreamt of blogging on the world wide web. I'm devastated -- I know how Portugal felt when they lost Cape Verde.

While I discuss the Kennel often, I rarely go beyond the walls of the office to explore the building and neighborhood around us. I'll give you a quick overview. I work in an awful area that is dominated by fast food restaurants, dirty book/video stores, a methadone clinic (Igloo once asked what methadone was) and little stores that sell umbrellas, I love NY T-shirts, and other poorly made crap.

The building is rather tall and the elevators work sporadically. There are three elevators in the building and often times the number displays (i don't know if that's what you call it) skip floors or randomly display the wrong floor. It is very disconcerting to be riding the elevator and have the floors go from 5 to 2 arbitrarily.

Earlier this week I walked into the building to find a sign posted all over the lobby that said something to extend of "Freight Elevator Operator Chris Abrahimi is no longer an employee at such and such management company he is no longer associated with the building." Well, this caused some stir in the office and we all debated on what may have been the reason for the firing.

Chris routinely got drunk in the freight elevator, you could smell booze on him down the hall. He had tag sales right outside the office building, selling office furniture and anything else he could find. He once offered me a vacuum cleaner for 20 dollars. He brought his little black puppy to the office and let it wander around the halls. On a couple of occasions you could smell grass drifting from the freight elevator. He played incredibly loud reggae throughout the building. Once I witnessed a screaming match between him and someone that worked in the office.

But the straw that broke the camel's back was he owed thousands of dollars to people in the office building. (Voodoo went searching for the gossip and she "Found Otto who gave her the info." I don't know who Otto is, but I guess he's the man with information). Voodoo came back to the kennel and recalled about the time that she lent Chris 20 bucks. "I had to hound that sonofabitch for weeks to get that money back. That brother fucked with the wrong person, you don't get between a person and his money."

So Chris is gone -- Otto's staffing the elevator.

Weekend Warrior

2005-10-17T22:39:00.000-04:00

I am remarkably sick of doing the work of other people. This past weekend I was called into service to attend a Women's Conference early Saturday morning -- I don't know about you, but there are plenty of other of places I would have rather been on a Saturday morning, primarily my pillow. But no, Frank has to fill in for the not one, but two people at the Kennel that work directly with woman's issues.

Now, I'm all about being a team player, subbing for others when something comes up -- I've done it plenty of times and never complained -- but this Saturday was different. Nobody had a doctor's appointment, nobody was on vacation, nobody's cousin was having a bar-mitzvah, nobody was sick, what happend on Saturday was nobody was willing to do their job. The two people (both of whom I've subbed for on numerous occasions) just didn't feel like showing up and doing thier job.

Imagine this, you are supposed to go to a meeting -- decide that you are too busy or important to go and then just shove one of your colleagues off to fill in for you. I'd really want to work in an environment like this -- wouldn't you? Showing up at work today I cringed at the thought of being around either of them -- it was even more disturbing when they asked me how the conference was! I wanted to unleash my own form of feminism on both of them.

The event was a collection of crazy feminists preaching witty sayings like "The only bush I trust is my own". The event was complete with an aging feminist folk singer playing her acousting guitar and singing about how she missed Gloria Steinem. I consider myself a true feminist, but this just wasn't for me -- my legs were the smoothest in the entire room.

I did make up for my weekend workday. I took nearly 3 and half hours to stand in line and get tickets for a couple of concerts early this morning. I was running an errand ... the errand just happenend to take almost 4 hours. I strolled back into the Kennel, sat at my desk pulled out a zip lock bag and snorted 4 lines of cocaine.

A Return to the Kennel

2005-10-14T13:00:00.000-04:00

Frank's been absent for a while. Chalk up the lack of blogging to Jewish Holidays and Columbus Day. Which, now that I think about it couldn't have come at a better time. Back to back short weeks have been spectacular, just what the body needed.

Other thoughts from my time away.

Summer Fridays are officially over. We tried to delay it as long as possible, but no longer are we allowed to escape early on Fridays. This came as a disappointment to the Kennel, however, I am happy to report that Winter Fridays start soon after Thanksgiving.

The hiring process is over. The Igloo's replacement has arrived. He seems like a good guy and will be occupying the desk right next to mine. Much to the disappointment of all, we didn't hire the rodeo queen. Personally, by the time hiring came around -- I didn't even know one candidate from the other. I just pitty the fool that takes this job. They have no idea what they are getting into.

However, word on the street is that we will soon have another vacancy in the office. For my money, the more that merrier. And I do say, that the Kennel, not the bossman, but the Kennel has been much easier to tolerate since the Igloo left. Maybe change is good -- it will create a better environment in the office.

I've been dealing with nuts a lot this past week. One notorious wack job, has been calling about an increased police state in her neighborhood. She says the cops constantly ignore her and that they make her life awful. Now, I'm not one that thinks all too highly of Cops -- but this woman is awful, she smells through the telephone and talking to her is a major chore. I get tense in the shoulders the minute she calls.

The animosity between two staff members is through the roof. When ever one isn't in the office (in fairness, she doesn't show up all that often and has never arrived before 11:30 in the morning) The Collar yells things, such as: "Does anyone have the number for Missing Persons?" or "How do I know if someone's been kidnapped?" Sometimes, he gets a little meaner and asks if "Know a guy that will kidnap people?"

The Collar is quite a character, he's generally a good guy, but he pushes the boundaries of Sexual harassment a little bit. He's started to call Rocket "pumpkin" and "sweetie" thankfully, she's handles it very well. I don't know if it is really sexual harassment, he's gay and she's a lesbian so this is no Anita v. Clarence, however nothing is funnier.

As this is a Jewish Holiday Season -- the Collar commented on the "Yamaha on your head." Yes, I'm wearing a keyboard on my head.

-- Frank

Long absence

2005-10-07T10:15:00.000-04:00

I apologize for the absence in blogging. I was away for a few days and am back in the office again. The Alpha Dog, evidently, was a little disturbed that I took so much time (3 days) off. Hence, I got phone calls on both Tuesday and Wednesday from the Kennel complaining about this or that.

On Tuesday, The Alpha Dog was furious that his Playwriting Class (not making this up) was canceled. Evidently, the teacher canceled the class for Rosh Hashana and the Alpha Dog showed up, not knowing that the class was canceled. Instead of shrugging his shoulders and going home, like anyone else would have done -- he needed to release his rage someplace else and called me at 6:15 on Tuesday night as I was driving to my grandmothers, for our own Rosh Hashana meal. Bossman proceeded to complain -- in a rather hostile fashion -- that he missed his playwriting class and I hadn't gotten him the information that this would be canceled. Was this part of my job description? Do I need to find out that your playwriting class is canceled? Do you need me to fold your laundry for you too? How about making sure that you car has its gas tank full? If you run out of gas on the highway are you going to call and bitch that I didn't fill the tank up enough?

On Wednesday, I got two calls from the Kennel. The Alpha Dog made the office call me (he was "too upset to call himself") because there were meetings he needed me to cover and it was irresponsible for me to be away for so long and not figure out my work situation. I didn't care very much then and I don't feel bad now, it fact the whole thought that he was even calling me on a holiday I found remarkably offensive.

Other thoughts:

The highlight of recent times is that we've been interviewing people to fill in for the Igloo. We've had a couple of candidates that we've invited in for interviews. Amazingly people responded to the following job wanted ad.

Disfunctional Office looking for Staff Member to be ridiculed, unappreciated, and overwhelmed. Applicant must be willing to devote long hours, run personal errands and work in a kennel. Pay is commensurate with a part time position, even though we expect full time hours. Bonuses: endless supply of glue sticks. BA mandatory, marijuana Smoker a plus. Please send resume to outofyourfuckingmind@thekennel.com

The interview starts with the person meeting with the Alpha Dog. He is actually pretty tough in interviews, asking hard questions that try to shake the person a little bit. "What do you think should be done to Transgendered Hookers?"

After the Alpha Dog interviews the person, we all gather around a table and interview the person a little more. We try and be friendly and ask legit questions, but the job hurts us so much, we don't do a very good job masking it in interviews. The interviews consist of inside jokes and us lying about our work and responsibilities. We do say that the office can be frustrating at times. If I was the one being interviewed I would run for the woods.

However, if we told it like it was -- nobody would ever work here.

The other day we interviewed a Kansas Rodeo Queen. We've interviewed a very loud kid from California, he was very nervous and spoke really loudly and would laugh at inappropriate times. We interviewed a flaming gay kid. We interviewed some woman who's email was wisdompluswar@____.com. We interviewed another kid who had no goals and didn't want to do anything. We interviewed some jock whose only hobby was rugby.

We are going to call back three this week. The person will probably start by the end of November.

In other news, I'm starting to look for new jobs. Any help -- help Frank out.

On time and the New York Post

2005-09-28T15:12:00.000-04:00

A crazy week in the Kennel. I've been remarkably busy, and a little bit overwhelmed as well. For better or for worse, work has forced me to spend a lot of time with the Alpha Dog (bossman) and I spent most of Tuesday with him. The day included an 8:30 school visit on the Upper West Side, the Alpha Dog hasn't shown up on time to anything in years. There have been times where he has been 90 minutes late to meetings and events (if he needed to cash a winning lotto ticket by 7:00 he'd show up at 7:45) -- you can only imagine my surprise when he pulled in at 8:45.

My 8:00 am phone call probably helped. The message I left went something like this (this is all true).

Hey Bossman, Get the Fuck out of bed, It's time to go to work today, we've got to visit a school, I know its early, but your the (insert position here) so get to work.

Later in the day the Alpha Dog asked me to try and reserve a field for his friends to have a bachelor party. No analysis necessary ...

The highlight of my day, however, occurred the when Donald Trump appeared on the cover of the great New York establishment, the New York Post. Donald, a most odious figure, seems to have found a couple of minutes out of bankrupting companies and building irresponsibly to impregnate his wife. (It is amazing to think that the Post used to be a liberal paper and now this has turned into front page news.)

Well the picture of Don on the cover really got our office going. Most people, myself included, remarked about how we hate Donald or hate the Post. However, Voodoo commented that she hopes that the baby doesn't have "asshole lips like its father." I thought that this was some sort of slang insult that I've never known, like "Your mama's got asshole lips" or "The Los Angeles Lakers are bunch of asshole lips" However, it turned out that she really just thinks Donald Trump's lips look like an asshole. I've heard people say that people look like a prune or a rabbit or a mouse or a beachball but I've never, ever heard that someone has lips like an asshole.

If that wasn't enough, Rocket really enjoyed Voodoo's statement and started to sing a made up song that consisted of two words "Rectum Face" She spend a few minutes talking about a rectum face and then returned to work.

Yup, this is an office people, just another day in the life of the kennel.

Notes from the Kennel

2005-09-26T16:16:00.000-04:00

Just a quick update for (all) you loyal reader(s):

Yes, last Friday was another early Friday. We've officially started fall and we are still departing early on Fridays -- I venture to say that this was the most egregious early departure ever. At one thirty, people stood up and strolled out of the office. I doubled and even tripled checked that this was kosher and then, like Keyzer Soze, I was gone.

************************************************************************************

I've been hearing from the one or two people that read this blog that I sound awful. I want to clarify that I actually do like the person I work for. I think he's a good man and has advanced spectacular causes. He continues to be a champion for those that don't have a voice and is very dedicated and committed to social justice.

All that being said ... I am remarkably fed up.

************************************************************************************

The lack of comments on this board is very depressing. If you read, I'd appreciate the love, maybe some suggestions about what to write about, any questions about the way the office functions, maybe some specifics. Tell me to shove my moustache up my nostril, I don't care. I would like to thank the OCC for being the most frequent contributor (other than the spam, but thanks to spam too) Please check out his blog linked on the right side of this page.

************************************************************************************

I now have the entire back corner to myself. The person that used to sit next to me (Rocket from here on out) moved to the Igloo's old desk. She now gets a desk, which is great -- finally after 14 months of working she gets her own desk, Rocket's moved up from the plywood fortress in the back -- soon she'll be able to afford real soap, up until now she's been stealing from the office bathroom.

I still have no desk, even though today I found one in the hallway. I feel like I'm in college and if you see something you just have to grab it and hope nobody catches you. Yup, no desk, no phone, no business cards,...

Welcome to the Kennel
We've got Fun and Games
We've got everything you want
Honey, we know the names
We are the people that can find
Whatever you may need
If you got the money honey
We got your disease

In the kennel
Welcome to the kennel
Watch it bring you to your shun n,n,n,n,,n,n,,n,n,n,,n,n,,n knees, knees

*************************************************************************************

Welcome to the kennel ... yes welcome to the kennel indeed ... why don't you come join us in the kennel, partner ... stay around for a while ... and as long as you are coming ... why don't you bring lunch ... we in the kennel love shrimp lo mein.

Drinking ...

2005-09-23T12:53:00.000-04:00

This job could quickly drive a sober man to the bottle. Lucky for me, I've never really considered myself a sober man. My genealogy lines are connected through bottles of wine and I don't believe there is one member of my family that doesn't drink. We are definitely not a family of alcoholics, in fact we are remarkably responsible, but we do drink and we enjoy it.

Back to the job ...

As I've reported before, bossman is a recovering alcoholic, there are a couple of others in the office that won't touch booze and a few that I imagine drink rarely -- only at dinner parties or at a bar. I don't understand it at all. The only thing that gets me through the day is knowing that I'll have a Scotch on the rocks, a glass of wine or a beer waiting for me at the end of the day. Often times, I have more than one. On occasion I even have a drink during the middle of the day, see post Craptastic, (yes I know this is considered a sign of alcoholism ... but I like to describe it as therapy) yesterday happened to be one of those days.

Part of my responsibilities are to attend these viscous community meetings, in which people who only wish they were important whine and moan about anything and everything. These people truly hinder progress and innovation. For example one of the libraries in the area is trying to add a teen area, great idea right? Well not to community members who "don't want teens having sex in the library"

Furthermore, there is no issue too small or no issue too large for the community to get fired up about. Do you go to local community meetings to complain about the Chinese Government's persecution of Falun Gong? Neither do I!!!

Before yesterday's community meeting, I happened to stumble upon a going away party for a person that worked at a local university. I had communicated with the person about work occasionally, so I thought it was perfectly appropriate for me to attend the party. I wasn't on the list -- but please, a list for a party at 4:30 in the afternoon. Now, having few people to talk to and not really having a true reason to be at this shindig, and not wanting to schmooze amongst suit wearing white people, I befriended the food buffet and the wine/beer bar. I couldn't have asked for better companions.

Being the classy gent that I am I decided it would more sophisticated to go with Red Wine and avoid the beer. With my community meeting looming an hour away -- I slugged back 4 glasses. I also frequented the food buffet (roast vegetables, chicken skewers, shrimp cocktail, mozzarella and basil, cheese platters, etc...) enough so skipping lunch was acceptable and I didn't need to eat dinner.

The meeting still sucked and was painful ... but a little sleepy and a little happy from my earlier party crashing ... it may have been the best community meeting ever.

Craptastic ... 2

2005-09-21T22:37:00.000-04:00

I'm not one to be very vulgar (that may or may not me true) but somebody left the most vicious turd in the bathroom the other day.

Now the bathrooms in our office are not very nice. There are two stalls in the men's bathroom, with no knee room and very little light. The toilet paper is like sandpaper and the sink doesn't work well. You have to hold the faucet while you try and wash your hands. It is really impossible to wash your hands well. Also, there are no urnials. Who makes a men's room without urinals -- which means that more often than not piss is all over the toilet seat.

Back to the vicious turd...

One thing that you probably don't know about me is that I have a really quick and fairly vicious gag reflex --- so strolling into the bathroom to take a piss was a most painful experience. I couldn't even spend a second in the bathroom, the smell was so violent that it felt as if an entire highschool football team smeared their feces all over a tiny closet. I then entered that closet.

It took me a good 20 minutes to recover and I'm close to gagging just thinking about that awful moment the other day. I can't write any more I'm feeling gnarly and ..........

(45 minutes later)

This was a very vulgar post, my apologies.

Once again

2005-09-20T12:52:00.000-04:00

As discussed earlier, we have summer Fridays at the office (from now on the Kennel) until Labor Day. Last Friday, like the one before, we extended summer Fridays. We are now 2 + weeks past Labor Day and are still shrugging our shoulders on Friday afternoons and ducking out as early as possible. The highlight of last Friday came when Bossman strolled into the Kennel at about 1:30, as everyone else was packing up to go to lunch and then home, Bossman asked if we planned on coming back and without hesitation everybody said no. Two minutes later we left.

Now, I haven't worked in a ton of offices, but my guess is that you aren't supposed to leave 4 hours early, tell your boss you aren't coming back and then proceed to abandon him by himself in the office. Welcome to the Kennel.

Some other office notes ....

The animosity in the office is at an all time high. People are giving up. I'd say that there is one person that actually has no plans of leaving in the next 6 months. I am looking forward to hiring the Igloo's replacement, we have a couple of interviews on the horizon -- fresh blood to taint.

We all went to lunch again the other day. The conversation was as stale as circus pretzels. Nobody had anything to say to one another. I drank 2 Iced Coffees, which put my total for the day at 4. I'll blog about coffee in the future ... It really fits into my morning routine.

Bossman gave me some booze yesterday. Dooley's original Toffee and Vodka Liqueur which comes with two little liqueur glasses. It must have been a gift that Bossman found someplace -- the ironic thing is that he's a recovering alcoholic. Yes, my boss, the recovering alcoholic gave me booze. It takes every ounce of will power not to drink it during the middle of the day.

Bossman also brought in the Lesbian travel guide to the Kennel the other day. He stood in the middle of the office and read about the Lesbian scene in Kentucky, it was actually very amusing. The current sexual make-up of the office is 3 Lesbians, 2 gay men, 1 asexual, 1 gay intern and me. Despite the homosexual make-up of the Kennel -- I am straighter than ever. Nothing has kept me from sliding down that Kinsey scale more than being surrounded by these people. I don't think I'd mine being a Lesbian though!

Sucks ...

2005-09-16T10:58:00.000-04:00

One of my favorite words in the English language is sucks. Sure it's simple, immature and rather bland, but on the whole it really conveys what you are thinking. When I lived in South America I was most disappointed that there was no Spanish equivalent for sucks. I guess at 26 years old I should have a more advanced vocabulary, but no, I return to sucks.

That movie sucked. The Mets suck. Long car rides suck. My job sucks. Stuck up girls who refuse to give you the time of day, and walk around like their shit doesn't stink sucks. Standing on the subway platform dripping in sweat from the 130 degree temperature sucks. You suck. He sucks. She sucks. I suck. etc....

The reason I bring this up, is because I got into a very awkward conversation about sucks in the office the other day.

But first a point of information about the office ....

One of bossman's friends (we'll call him The Collar) camps out in the office. I don't know what he does, I don't know how he got here and I say very few words to him. He sits at a computer, talks on the phone and pretty much ignores the entire office. Furthermore there is open animosity between our Chief of Staff and the Collar -- they don't even acknowledge that the other one exists. I guess, the Collar is some sort of bigwig in the New York Gay political scene. He likes theater.

Back to our story...

The Collar was standing at the copier, which is sort of near my desk and I made a comment, to nobody in particular "All the candidates for Mayor suck this year." (Sure it wasn't a very significant comment, nor did it shed new light on anything, kind of a throw away remark) I guess the Collar took issue to what I was saying. Our conversation went something like this

The Collar: Why do use that word like its negative?
Frank confused: What word?
The Collar: Sucks!
Frank: Huh
The Collar: It's a great word. So you shouldn't use it like it's negative.
Frank: Okay

The eerie part of the entire conversation was that, I think, he was truly analyzing my statement from some weird sexual angle. Which made me completely uncomfortable (which may or may not have been his goal). I returned to my computer ... and then vomited all over myself. Which really sucked.

The morning after

2005-09-15T10:06:00.000-04:00

We in the political world are the most busy around election time which, in New York, happened to be this past Tuesday. The primary was mostly a remarkably lackluster affair. There are about 3 million registered Democrats in New York City and less than 500,000 of them voted. Which personally I view as a rather pathetic number, but not all that surprising.

I spent the day trekking to different areas of the city -- shilling for one candidate or another. I visited The Upper East Side, Sunset Park, Kew Gardens, Jackson Heights, Midtown and Forest Hills. It was a long and disgusting day, very sweaty and very disorganized. Most people were miserable -- I tried to connect with the average New York City voter, to be hung-up on, told to fuck-off, laughed at, mocked, grunted at and puked on. (Okay, nobody puked on me)

I don't really blame the lack of enthusiasm by the average voter -- I should have taken the day off!

I did go to one Victory party for a candidate that raised over 1 million dollars for his campaign. Bossman also showed up -- he lazed around all day watching reruns of 80's sitcoms, I kid you not. The place was jam packed with your usual assortment of political cock-suckers! (figurative and literal) I had been working for weeks on this guy's race and he won easily and raised over a million dollars!! I had been up since 5:30 am, and barely slept at all the two nights before.

Nevertheless, at our fancy East Side victory party, there was a cash bar. So I reached into my wallet and ponyied up 9 dollars for a Scotch on the rocks. (Do I complain about the cost of drinks too much?) A little love for the hard work would have been appreciated. I drank too much and realized by the end of the night that I had spent a weeks worth of Glue Sticks for some lousy Victory party. The best choice I made all evening was brown bagging a 24 oz Miller Light on the way to the party.

This blog has been on a depressing streak, loyal readers (both of you) I'll try and pick up the enthusiasm in a day or so.

Tomorrow's Friday -- maybe I'll leave early.

For the record, I went 1 for 5 on Primary Day with one walk. There were 6 races I didn't vote in one of them, lost 4 of them and won one of them. (finishing 4th of 4, 3rd of 6, 2nd of 2, 2nd of 2 and 1st of 10)! I also made two plays at second and was charged a bogus error when the shortstop forgot to cover second on an easy double play ball.

Friday No Show

2005-09-12T12:59:00.000-04:00

We have this wonderful concept in my office called Summer Fridays. Every Friday from July 4th until Labor Day, we come in for only a half day. If you want to take a long weekend or play golf one afternoon -- it's fantastic. Last Friday, the first one post Labor Day, we were supposed to have a full day of work. We were all going out to lunch for the Igloo's last day and then we were all supposed to return to the office and finish our work day, which ends at 6. Well, we went out to lunch -- we were to meet at 1:00. I showed up at 1:10 with the Igloo. Voodoo showed up at 1:45 and Bossman (aka Politician X) showed up at 2:15. After we were done with lunch -- nobody went back to work, and nobody cared. Nobody even considered going back to work.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, but I found it somewhat funny, that everybody in the office, including all the bosses, just shrugged their shoulders and said "Fuck it ... I'm done for the Week!" Just a point of information, we are supposed to be public servants, we get paid by taxpayers.

I went home ate Shrimp Lo Mein and sniffed Glue Sticks!!

Craptastic ...

2005-09-08T13:07:00.000-04:00

Bossman's (we need a new name for him, any suggestions?) dog took a crap in the office yesterday. I kid you not. Can we pause and reflect on this for a second. Bossman's dog took a shit on the floor of the office. Not to mention about 2 feet from where I work. This is an office, not a fucking kennel.

Needless to say this is not a healthy working environment -- call me old fashioned but having a dog crap in the middle of office is not very feng shui. Not only do I not have a phone, receive no light, have no true desk (my computer sits on a piece of plywood), purchase my own business cards, and get paid in glue sticks -- now I have to dodge dog shit when I walk around the office. Voodoo, a very nice woman who works with me, cleaned up the dog shit. Believe me, she doesn't get paid enough to be picking up dog shit in the office.

After the crap ... I said "Fuck this I'm outta here" and left to go get a beer at a local shitty Irish bar down the street, where they charged me 6 dollars for a pint of Killians. (I know its New York City, but this is a shitty bar and its 4 in the afternoon, 6 dollars -- help a broke brother out.) I returned about an hour later, I was very salty.

I was expecting bossman to apologize, but no -- he spent this rest of the afternoon ribbing me about how I hate animals and how I didn't care about the animals that have perished in the aftermath of the Hurricane Katrina. (Which I think is tragic by the way, I really do, the whole devastation is really unfathomable and the federal government's neglect and inaction is shocking. But I don't need to wax politically) I told Bossman, I don't hate animals, I just hate animals that shit in my office -- next to my pseudo-desk.